#16: Spark of Wisdom: Why We Must Abolish Self Doubt and How to Do It
Tina Marie tells a story around dealing with self-sabotage doubt as with worry, the feelings of not being good enough, not being lovable and those thoughts that led to a very tender place in her life where she doubted that living was even necessary or worth anything.
Hello and welcome. This is Tina Marie St. Sarah, and thank you so much for lending your time and your attention to these words that we will be sharing over the next 30 to 40 minutes. Welcome to light your life today. What I'd love to share and to speak towards and ask questions around is self-sabotage doubt, hesitance worry, even guilt that we have inside of our own psyches. Now it's not really an easy conversation to have, and I'm glad we're doing this basically in private, just you and I, because what I've found is having these outward conversations with people around us that we most love, or even with other humans, even though we know it's on level, each of us have these experiences. It's really hard to connect there. So humbleness a humility, a vulnerability that feels unsafe at times so together, you and I can dive in together.
And what I want to share with you today is part of my own story around dealing with self-sabotage doubt as with worry, the feelings of not being good enough, not being lovable and those thoughts that led to a very tender place in my life where I doubted that living was even necessary or worth anything more, right? I'd already done everything that I thought I was here to do. And the rest of life seemed like it was going to be a big arduous journey. So if you've ever been there or if you are there, or if you know somebody who is there in any shape or form from self doubt and hesitant and not feeling as though we have much to bring to the equation of life, to that really dark place of thinking, Hmm. You know, life's probably not worth living anywhere along that spectrum. You're in the right place right now.
And then I'm also going to tap into a workbook that I'm holding. And this workbook is for an event that I over many years developed a ranged produced, motivated, rated, and it's helped thousands of people. I'm grateful for it. And I'm grateful for the journey and had my life not been ultimately devastatingly incl when I'm holding my hand would never have come. Isn't it interesting. How on the other side of when we finally surmount it, when we finally get to that other destination, we can look back upon the betrayal, the heartache, the pain, the guilt, the regret, the not knowing we can look back upon it and have like a 20, 20 viewpoint, not the 2020 is a good number anymore. Given last year, the 2020 vision, right? In hindsight, we have wisdom of what we were going through. So in my thirties, I can tell you that my insecurities and my self-esteem issues and my not feeling a part of and being the weird one, even being the ugly one, I can tell you that, that those stories inside of my head, that version of what I call the Sabbath tour was definitely with me from a young age, the youngest I can remember is probably about eight years old.
When I was swimming in my grandparents' swimming pool in Florida, we would go there for the summer. And there was a young, also almost my age, a girl who lived in the neighborhood and she would come over and play with us and her name's Jody. Well, Jody would come over and I she had a friend, right? What she didn't know. And what other people didn't know is that my mind, my lower mind, my Salvator mind compared me to her incessantly. I was the white girl, white girl that sunburned like crazy. I've got very fair. I Riskin and strawberry blonde hair and freckles. And she had the golden California style skin with dark eyes and dark hair. And she, her, her skin just loved as a sun. Now I love the sun too, but the sun did not love my skin. So I secretly in my own head would imagine what if I had skin like that?
If I only look like Jody, and then she was also very thin and taller than me. So for those that know me, I'm five, four on a good day, five, five, and a better day with heels five, six. However, I was an average girl yet when I was with my friends, especially Jody, I would compare myself to her and think of how thin she was and how tall she was and her legs were longer. And we know these stories, right? We know that the mind does now, why does it do this? It does it because we're trying to find safety in comparing ourselves to others and wanting to fit in. So that we're loved so that we're accepted. So we're not ridiculed or shamed or embarrassed is part of our human experience like it or not. Hopefully we get to that time in our lives where we no longer need to compare ourselves to others.
And we find our own self-love now it takes time and it takes a journey and sometimes it takes a lot of pain. So that was the young version of Tina Marie, that I can easily tap into that feeling of not feeling good enough, knowing that my body and who, and what I was in was never going to amount. What I wanted to be. I longed, then I'm a tan. I remember asking my parents, if we could move to California, we lived in Texas growing up. And, and, and I remember asking them can can we just move to California? Because somewhere in my young mind, I thought that whenever you cross the border of California, that you automatically get granted a tan. And I thought if only I could connect the dots of these freckles and somewhere, it would look like I had a tan instead of a burn and lots of freckles.
So comparing as a place where we create pain in ourselves completely, and it doesn't matter how old we are, if we're still comparing ourselves to an old version of ourselves, you know, like back when we had it all together, back when we were thinner back when we were, maybe we had more money back then, and we hadn't lost at all. Maybe when we had opportunities or maybe look on our side or something that there's a past version of ourselves that we can compare ourselves to and create pain just in that mechanism. And then there's comparing to our future selves. Like whenever we get to a certain place, whenever I finally get there, whenever I have this degree or this certification or whatever, I have this amount of money in the bank, or when I'm finally out of debt, or when I meet that person and can feel loved by someone else or fill in the blank, right?
When we compare ourselves to a future version of ourselves that we haven't reached, then we create pain there as well. And the worst part of pain is, or comparing is when we compare ourselves to the now and are now is not what we would love and are now is painful and are now iStock and are now is desperate and are now is lonely. And our now is full of shame or regret remorse, having pain in the now and not knowing how to escape it or move away from it or transform it or do anything different from it is, Oh God, it just feels awful. Doesn't it just talking about it, just being together in this particular energy of stuckness, it's painful and it's part of humanity, right? Yeah. It doesn't need to always be part of humanity. So fast forward in my life, this, this insecurity, this level of not feeling good enough, this comparing myself to other people, this wanting to be something I wasn't yet, and not even having a plan on how to get to that place where I wanted to be, but knew that I had to get there.
I look back on that place now. And I realized she was, she was definitely stuck, but more than that, she wasn't alone on her journey. So if you find yourself in these stuck places, I want you to know you're not alone on your journey. And that is a bit of an exhale. Isn't it? None of us on this journey get to escape life without certain levels of pain. And sometimes it's massive levels of pain and stuck. So I was there. I was there. So another version of my life I'd love to share is where I was married. I was my previous marriage. I was married. I was living in the big house, the really big house. Even my grandmother called it a mansion, honey, why do you need to live in a mansion? And I remember that when she first came into my house and she literally thought I was living in a mansion.
Now this is a 4,000 square foot home. And, you know, five bedrooms, you know, it was a very nice home, very nice home yet. I didn't see it as a mansion. And I remember there was a part of me thinking, ah, I'd like to live in an agent, this wasn't it, but it was definitely a mansion. I can see why and hell. Yeah. So here I was in this suburbian gated community. I had arrived. I was living in one of the more established, very well considered upper echelon neighborhoods driving the BMW and the Lexus and the suburban, you know, all those trappings of what life is supposed to look like when you arrive at a place right married. We went on and had the two plus kids. We had, you know my stepdaughter who was with Rick, from his previous marriage. And then we had our two, a boy and a girl, of course, you're filling out the blueprint, have one of each.
And then we had the dogs and we had the cat and everything looked great, everything looked great. And I would ask myself, why is it that I was unhappy? I was, I unhappy. And they weren't a hundred percent and happy across the board. It wasn't an all the time yet. There would come these swells of either pressure to create and be more than, than what I was already to, to that drivenness, to, to succeed. Or I would take where the success was and say, well, because of fought so hard for this, and it's not delivering the happiness that I thought would be the result of it. Then I would look upon that success and wonder what's wrong with me. Does anybody else been there? What's wrong with me that I can't find happiness with what, what I am doing. The spirituality and turning to spirituality was that, you know that the peroneal I've got the water level above my head. My hand is outstretched above the surface of the water. And I'm counting down to three because it seemed like I'd done everything right. Yet things still felt wrong.
If you've ever been there, I can totally empathize what came out of my spiritual journeys, which, you know, bless my ex-husband. He saw me through a lot of these. I studied with Buddhist masters, sought them out. I studied Buddhism. I studied Islam. I studied different versions of Christianity from Protestantism to cath Catholicism. I studied Hinduism. I studied Sufi ism. I, I was, I was on a journey to find answers. And in those many, many years, with all the mullahs and the mantras and the veganism and the illustrations, all of them, I do not regret any of it, taught me a time. And a lot of self-respect a lot of respect for different cultures and different religions and different belief systems. I'm very grateful for that. And what I learned was happiness was at the other end of realizing that there is inherently in each one of our psyches as humans, no matter the background, no matter the culture, no matter the belief system, no matter how we're raised or how we're not raised, no matter the amount of money in the bank account or not in the bank account, the number of degrees or certifications, the things, the trappings that every single one of us has something uncommon.
And it's that we have what I call the inner saboteur and that inner saboteurs is there on purpose to create a level of doubt, a level hesitancy, a level of fear in order to keep us safe. So the irony is that fear keeps us safe. The route of fearing the act of questioning the act of distancing, the act of being of a protective nature, the act of not trusting, all of it leads to being safe. I think about it if we're alone and no one's around us because we pushed them away because we do not trust. If we are ultimately protected from humanity, hurting us again, or from things going wrong, as much as we can control. And trust me, I was that person that would white knuckle, everything, trying to control things, plan it all out to the T to the enth degree only to find that my efforts did not prevail. Right?
If we're in that place of ultimate English, one thing that we are is safe because no, one's around us as we won't let people in, we won't share our truth. We won't ask for help, you know, tell people what's going on for us really. And even if we did, it would only be a version of it because we're dipping our toe in the water of, can I trust them? And am I safe here? Or are they going to shame me? Embarrass me. Think differently of me not love me anymore. I know the stories very well. I dealt with them very intimately inside of my own mind. And there came a day where I realized that there was an entity, an energy, a voice that I could fight. And at that sabotage tour is not me. When that realization came into my being my entire life shifted. When I realized without a doubt that self-doubt lack of self trust, feeling not good enough, feeling unlovable, seeing the world from a distance and judging things is not safe.
Not believing I'd ever really trust again, or allow myself to be loved again, because ultimately it would hurt when the realization came into my being that there's an entity, a voice, a power, an energy that can be absolutely fought against and transformed. And I experienced it and I did it. It did it for me. I did it to get my life back. I did it because there was something stronger than that voice that I allowed be. The direction I headed in, in that direction was love. May sound simple, right? All we need is love, right?
Not true. What we really need is faith. And the knowing that there's something for us, no matter how desperate and dark life can get, how painful life can get. And when you learn how to turn that voice off, we need to turn. We need to learn how to turn off the voice of self doubt. We need to learn how to fight against that hesitance, that, that part that would otherwise just have a state absolutely stocked because absolutely stock equals absolutely safe, but is that painful? We can fight, fight against it. I was there. I did the fight. You did the fight again. I did the fight again. What I realized is the more I fought back, the quieter, it got the more that voice that sabotaging voice began to trust me because my power came back into my being. And that power was the true me.
That power was my soul, and I'd forgotten my soul. We've forgotten how to engage it. And despite all the meditative practices I'd done and they were great and beautiful. And I got that go into these imaginative theorial places and visit what I thought was the seat of God and move into this beautiful blue neon blue orb that had gold speckles in it. And I called it God. And I heard God. And it was very comforting and beautiful and warm. And in that meditative experience that happened many, many times, it spoke to me a loom. It said it its entire residence was own. And so then I started realizing why certain religions and spiritual practices cultivate that sound of old because it was real and I'll never trade any of that for anything. The one thing that came out of it is I knew who I was. And I knew that that was the truth. That was who I was not all these other pieces of doubt and worry resistance, hesitance, regret English, all of it was an illusion. Very real illusion. Totally cause the pain is real yet. I learned how to take my power back and I'm grateful for those days, because since then it's been, if I do the math correctly, you do the math with me since 2009, right? 2009, my life absolutely shifted.
And then it became even more clear. Each time over would find a new level of understanding, self resonance, self power of my voice. I can tell you even my voice changed. So the, the voice that I had back then, and it's so funny, I don't even recognize her anymore. I can hear her in videos. Like I replay the videos that we took whenever the kids were little and I can hear my voice and like, who is that? Oh my God, that was me. We've voiced changed because my power changed because the symphony orchestra chamber inside of my soul expanded and in that chamber is the resonance of our voice and our knowing my voice changed. I remember back in my twenties and even my early thirties, whenever I would sneeze, it's hysterical to think of how I sneezed. It was like, it was like, people go, Whoa, that a dog, did you just step on a little dog?
What was that like me? I'm sorry. And sneezing. I remember people going, Oh, is not a sneeze. What are you doing? You're hurting yourself. You hold it all in. And I was, I was holding in a fricking sneeze because I didn't want to be embarrassed. This wasn't me. And I don't laugh at her that version of her. It's just now when this side of the expansiveness and the knowing of who I truly am now, what I see is it is the whole fricking room's going to hear it. Not because I want them to hear it because that's the true sneeze. I mean like sneezes have power behind them rice, and he's a need to get whatever's in out. And of course you cover your sneeze and yeah. You know, take care of business, but then he'd like, excuse me, sorry. And then people go cause insider bless you right before when it's needed. They didn't know what to say. Like what was that?
That's just one version of, you know, finding yourself. I mean, these are crazy versions of myself back then. That was so embarrassed. I didn't want to have negative attention. Be brought my wave for fear of embarrassment and shame. I remember her I love her though. That version of me, ah, the insecure look, right? People didn't know all the pain going on inside. I remember being in the front yard, I took a phone call with a friend and I was sad that day. I don't even remember what triggered the sadness. I do remember being in the front yard and walking around the front yard and going, I don't think I love myself. I, I, I think I'm like ultimately broken inside. I think something's inherently wrong with me and my friend on the other end of the phone was going, no, you're fine. Everything's great.
Why do you say these things? And I know that, you know, she was trying to help me and fix me, but there was this true belief system inside of me that I am something inherently inside of me is broken. What I come to learn is the broken part was a saboteur that was alive inside my psyche. And I didn't know that it was taking a real estate and it wasn't me and I needed to move that part of the psyche out. I needed to cleanse it. And I didn't know how I was completely stuck, but now I know how. And so I wanted to share with you, I produced this event and it's called abolish your inner saboteur. And it's powerful. I mean like fricking awesome, powerful. It's transformed the lives of thousands. And if I would, because I am an introvert, I am an introvert at heart and it takes a lot of gumption.
As my mother would say for me to pull people around me and produce this event, I need to get out of my own way really, because it's helped so many people. And even the people that has helped said, you need to be doing this for thousands of people what's going on, but truth be known. I'm an introvert. And I I'm gaining the energy to get outside myself. And you know, we're all evolving, right? So right now the event is, you know, I, I love about a max of 20 to 30 people because we're coming out of a pandemic and we're starting this for the first time again in the last time I did it was it a year ago in February because we're doing it for the first time. And I want to have an energy about it. And a resident that an intimacy, it's going to be 12 people inside the room, live with us.
And then however many one had gathered on zoom. So I want to take you through our workbook. So there's a workbook that you get and I'm going to read just the front page to you. Okay? It says welcome to abolish your inner saboteur. We all want to be happy to feel a sense of personal power and to find fulfillment and meaning in our lives. We want to feel secure about our money position, relationships, health, and the work we do in the world. As it provides a natural confidence from which we hope to begin each new day and lead our lives. Yes. Right? You can say yes to that. I can say yes to that. And it continues when we see results in our progress, we can feel great about ourselves and confident in our direction. We're more approachable. And at ease, we get along with others and they get along with us when we love our jobs and our careers.
When we see that we are making progress, when our relationships feel solid and full of trust. When we have our finances figured out when our health is good and our families are taken care of our inner doubting voice remains at a distance. Then at the most successful runs of our lives. The times when we are most current, be most at peace and most certain we can still get hit by a wall of doubt and uncertainty. So where does doubt come from and why is it so life sapping, what do we do when doubt worry, anger and reactivity surface. Do we have the mental and emotional power to withstand our inner sabotaging mind? Do we let a comment we perceive is purple fall to the wayside and find empathy there, or do we allow the sabotaging voice in our heads to command the upper hand and do we create more triggered us and reactivity in its wake?
So do we create more pain in our lives when the demons of self-doubt hijack our thinking? So it's in between those gap of self-sabotage and our greatest desires of the inner saboteur lives and what I do at abolish or Sabbath tour with you and with a small cohort of other people, as we transform that, self-doubt we transform the hesitance. We transform the worry. We transform anger, reactivity, fear, confusion, all of it. And to absolute power, given tools and strategies that I teach you in a very short timeframe, what I call the abolish process. So I'm stepping through the workbook a little bit more because we're just going to take a couple of things out of here. So you'll know what the event is about. I hope you understand where your inner saboteurs come from and it's M O how does it act? How does it sabotage you? How does it take your power away? And how do you get your energy back? We map the sabotage gap across all areas of your life. From family health, money, career, your business understanding your intimate relationships and the most intimate relationship is with you, your higher power. We get to create the understanding of what we call, how sabotage are you. And then we give you the very tools to undo it.
I can't wait to share this again. So it's coming up May 21st and 22nd here, 2021 May 21st and 22nd. It's a live event. If you're in the Houston area, we start on Friday night, we'll start in a doors open at 6:30 PM. You get a great workbook. You get all these chotchkies that are very powerful. Chotchkies to that align with the entire purpose of abolish. And we feed you things of that nature. The biggest thing is that you come out with an absolute understanding of where the sabotage comes in. You have absolute strategy on how to stop it in an instant seriously, and there's no more excuses. So the downside is once you learn of these strategies and you learn of the mechanism and you see it for what it is, the downside is you can't hide from it anymore. I mean, you could, you can keep telling yourself the story of being unlovable, not being good enough.
You could tell yourself a story of not trusting other people. That life is out to get you. You can tell a story. You could tell the fear story, but you won't be able to believe it anymore. We pull that mask off the faces, and we put you back in charge, put your warrior back in charge and that strength of your soul back in charge of your destiny. And I can guarantee life is never the same. It's absolutely beautiful. There's an entire level of empathy that develops out of it because people that have never been through the abolished framework and the abolish, your inner saboteur, your live event, you're going to know they haven't, and you'll be able to see and hear them from a whole different place. We call it around here. You're going to see box people. And it's, it's a kind way to say that people are are asleep.
The majority of humans are asleep, and they're not aware of these patterns, but you will be. And once you are aware, the choices that you make are clear, concise, effortless, and on track with your soul's calling. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'd rather be awake than not. So if you're interested, if you're interested, this is what you're going to simply do. You're going to go to bonfire. Coaching.Com, B O N F I R E. Coaching C O C H I N G com bombard coaching.com. See right there on the front page of all the shorter saboteurs, you're going to click on. Tell me more. If you want to learn more about it, you can watch the videos that I have there. You can watch testimonial videos from people who have actually taken the event and transform their lives. They say, and then you can buy a ticket.
There's a handful of tickets left. Hopefully by the time you hear this, there are still some tickets left for the live event and there's room on zoom, always the one zoom, right? Get yourself there. Get the people you love. If you are going to be participating on zoom for one simple $97 ticket, you can fill your house and everybody can be watching and listening to the same thing. Computer. I want this for humanity. As we deserve to wake up, we deserve to absolutely love our lives. We deserve to stop the patterns that are creating limiting beliefs. We deserve to no longer create hurt in our lives and understand how to undo hurt. We to have amazing relationships, careers, businesses. We deserve to have an abundant, amazing life full of connection and love. We all deserve that. And it's right here. Now, even if your life is absolutely amazing, I ask, please attend abolish, because I need you on our side. I need you as part of the family that the allowance and these tools and the recognition and the understanding of these tools that are very simple, yet horrible to be in humanity because now's the time. And if you're a coach and you're listening, we have a coach [inaudible] where you can learn these tools and take them to your client.
I guess I am recruiting. I'm recruiting people that are, are here for humanity's evolution. And I want to show you some tools and strategies that are so easy to remember, easy to put in place and easy to share with others because the time is now it's time to come out of fear. It's time to come into power and really own this amazing, beautiful experience that we have called life. So please do go to bonfire, coaching.com, learn more about abolish or cyber. And if your inner voice is saying, well, May 21st and 22nd, I already have something going on. We're going to do it two more times this year. So simply go over to bonfire, coaching, bookmark the page, join our list. So I can keep you abreast of the other dates that are coming and say yes to something that will absolutely let your life on fire.
You'll never regret this. I guarantee it become part of a movement that is along humanity to wake up. So today we talked about self doubt. We talked about hurt, regret, everything. That's keeping you from your dreams and the strategies available to you in order to light your life on fire. I hope to see you soon. Thank you for listening today to light your life. I'm Tina Marie saints here, founder of bonfire, coaching and creator of the abolish. Your inner saboteurs framework do subscribe to the lighter life podcast, where we get to learn from others who have surmounted the odds and turn their lives into amazement that we can learn from until next time Tina Marie Saint's here. I can't wait to be with you again. Take care.
