#30: Spending Time Alone Purposefully
Description:
This time on the Light your Life Podcast, Tina Marie discusses her beliefs on the importance of occasionally purposefully spending time alone.
Bio:
Tina Marie St. Cyr is a dynamic force when it comes to personal development, leadership, and communications. She is a board-certified executive coach and a licensed corporate trainer specializing in human communications & human relations. With over 12,000 hours of application, study and design of programs, her methods for helping people create immediate and lasting results are extraordinary.
Her specialty is in bringing new, transformative perspectives to a situation, allowing the human ability to solve problems flow easily. Her fascination with ‘why we humans do what we do’ and her unique ability to create an air of curiosity and wonder in her audiences has made her a revered public speaker and expert guest on human transformation.
Tina Marie’s unique blend of certifications and degrees allows her to work with people from all backgrounds and cultures. Business owners will realize steady and scalable growth, positive team synergies and ever-increasing leadership skills. Entrepreneurs will have a highly experienced advocate and coach by their side advancing them to their true revenue results.
After ten years of private practice, St. Cyr founded Bonfire Coaching in 2017 and began training other coaches in her methods. As of January 2020, she has a team of ten coaches serving the many Bonfire clients in personal life coaching, career coaching and executive/leadership coaching.
“At Bonfire Coaching, we help people embrace an undeniable readiness and focus to energize their lives, no matter the circumstance or the nature of their story, at a new heartfelt level. We help clear clutter, whether physical, relational, emotional or spiritual to make space and new habits for achieving meaningful results.” -Tina Marie St. Cyr
Transcription:
Tina Marie (00:02):
Hello welcome. It's Tina Marie, and we're going to have another wonderful dive into sparks of wisdom. Today. I'd love to have a chat about the purpose of being alone. And when I say being alone, I do not mean being lonely. It's the act of being alone, being with oneself in the world and finding confidence, security, and connection there, as opposed to the altar net of that would be realizing that we're with people a lot now for the introverts in the group today. You're probably going to go, Hey, you're talking my language, I know this, I love this stuff. And then there are some better in between saying, yes, I can be alone yet. Is there a craving to be with someone else to feel complete? And then there's the type of person that realizes that the majority of my life is not feeling okay with me or being okay, being alone.
Tina Marie (01:11):
And I'd rather not. So let's dive in to this understanding that we can be alone on purpose. And what does that offer our lives? What does it bring for us and find the courage to go there? Right? So sitting with a friend and asking him, when's the last time that you were alone for two to three days without your family, without your beloved. And you went off for two to three days to be alone with yourself and, you know, contemplate life inventory, what's working inventory. What's not, you know, get your own personal life game plan. And he said, never, I have never done that. And I said, I think it would be a good thing for you. As I'd seen some stresses, he was going through rugged here, some strains in his relationships, some places where he wasn't okay with his children and with his business.
Tina Marie (02:03):
I said, what if, what if you were to do that? He goes, that frightens me to death. I don't, why would I do that? I have people in my life because I want people in my life. I don't know what I do. If I go off by myself. I mean, what do you do? You just sit in a room by yourself? And I said, no, no, there's constructiveness to being alone. It's fascinating. There's like a whole relationship there. And he goes, yeah, if you like yourself, I don't particularly like me. That's why I have other people around me to not have me think of me like, oh, there was a light bulb moment. So I don't know if you could resonate with my friend. However, let's dive into this a little bit more. I remember that whenever I was young, I loved being by myself. And maybe it's because, you know, with all due respect to my little brother, Robert, I love you, but more than he and I would get on each other's nerves. And I remember wanting to escape then and find a lone time from the family, from the house and definitely for my little brother. So I would go on walks and truth, be told, I'd have my little dog with me. So I probably
Tina Marie (03:17):
Wasn't a hundred percent alone.
Tina Marie (03:20):
And I really urge us to find a lone time. So I'd love to share some stories of my own alone time. And hopefully this can give you some insights for you. Right? I remember the first time I went on a, an airplane by myself, I was 12 years old and it was an intent that I had thought of my aunt Barbara had had a new child and they lived in long island and I wanted to travel to go see her and my cousins and, and be there. And it was the summertime. It was may. We're just getting out of school. And I bought my own plane ticket to make that happen. And I remember, you know, whenever you're in an airport, you're not technically a loan. However, this young version of myself, I remember the adventure, the adventure of I'm doing a plane flight pine myself.
Tina Marie (04:10):
Now plane flights in my family unit were not common more than not. We would drive to wherever we were going on vacation because my dad didn't really like planes. And so this was probably if I remember correctly and you know, it's a fuzzy memory. However, I do know this was one of maybe two plane plates in my entire young life that had ever been taken. And this one was by myself and I was flying from Houston Intercontinental airport, which is the big one to LaGuardia airport, which I'd never been to New York. So it was total and venture just on that. And just, yes, the anxiety in my system, it wasn't anxiety that was debilitating. It was anxiety like wonder and alive and energy. And it grew me, it grew faith and confidence and a sense of self in that. So I remember that one quite vividly.
Tina Marie (05:12):
Now the alone time that I had as a child, wanting to stay in my room and read books or do things like that, or go on walks around the neighborhood or bike rides alone, I can count those, but that, isn't what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about some really poignant on purpose time alone for self discovery. So those times started to come whenever I was past university pass university. I remember traveling for work now as a consultant and they would send you off you know, for these assignments to do data gathering and work on systems and things of that nature. So one that happened is I got flown to Canada and in, you know, going across the border, having the interrogation of what are you doing in our country? And I was 22. So I was young. And I remember having a whole city on the other end, once you're in, you have a whole city and there was nighttime, you know, it's not like every moment I was with people.
Tina Marie (06:19):
In fact, I wasn't with people outside of the work environment. And so what do you, what would you choose to do with your time? And so I'm in the hotel room by myself, which who's done this, right? You get to the hotel room. And I had anxiety in my young body and my young system. I'm like, I'm just going to order room service. It's woman. I'm going to order room service. I'm going to eat my room. It's safe in my room because I didn't want to go have a meal out there in the world, by myself in a whole new country. It's like, oh, it's kind of great because I can think of the person that I am now look back on, on that 22 year old young me and go, oh, you're such a sweetheart, but I did. I ordered room service. And it was, I think I was there for five days in Canada and had lots of invitations to go out with my cohorts.
Tina Marie (07:05):
But I, I was so shy. I am an introvert, by the way. That's why I was saying introverts would probably unite on this topic today. And I decided I need to get courage. I knew there was something inside of me of a new experience that I wanted to give myself and did not know what it was going to be yet. I gave myself this one morning. I remember saying, if it's going to be something you can do by yourself, you're going to leap at it. You're going to do it. And one of my you know, friends that I worked with in Canada, the Canadian office, Jocelyn, she said that there was a new IMAX right across from my hotel. I was like, oh, I'm X's back when I'm ex was really new. And she said they were playing something like whales. It was a big IMAX on Wells and I love the oceans.
Tina Marie (07:54):
And so I'm like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. And so that night after room service and I went to I'm X by myself, and it was such a, an adventure is kind of strange to even think of that as an adventure nowadays yet. But for the person that isn't okay, being with themselves or finds anxiety in what other people's judgements would be, if you're by yourself, that's what my mind was doing. My mind was doing. Flip-Flops acrobatics on what are other people thinking of me? And you know, now at 52, I can tell you, I don't care. Right? But 22, I totally cared.
Tina Marie (08:36):
Some part of me cared. And then the times when I was able to go eat alone at a restaurant, right? Who can raise your hands? Do you remember these times, right? These times where you adventure out into life, on your own, by yourself, for yourself, with now, since that young version of myself, there's tons of times that I've been alone. I've even gone to European vacations by myself. I've traveled across, you know, oceans by myself, traveled by myself, a young female to go do that and experience life. And this builds you, the ability to do this absolutely builds you. It, it has, you start believing in yourself. You're keeping yourself safe. Your mind goes to the place of, I can do this. I know me now. And then life itself gets a whole new sense of wonder. And alive is because you drop. At least my hope for you is that you drop the judgment of what you believe.
Tina Marie (09:44):
Other people are thinking, because it's such a waste of energy. I can tell you, that's such a waste of energy and we don't want to be alone to plan our escape, to go be alone, because we can't stand who we're living with, or can't stand our job or our business. This isn't an escape route. This is purposefully saying, I need time to get to know me. Now, let me give you some questions and exercises you can do to get to know you. Are you game? Would you love this? Okie dokie. So here's some that I use. I sit down with myself, you know, I really say, get out of the hotel room. The funny thing is right now, I'm recording this from a hotel room. My Beloved's at a chiropractic conference. I'm here getting some copy produced. And I'm making these sparks of wisdom for you and for us.
Tina Marie (10:35):
Right? And so get outside the hotel, go to a park, go to, you know, some type of a place where it has new energy for you. Does it feel like four walls? And here's the exercise write in your journal and drawing your journal three columns. So you're going to have three columns and make a header across the type top. And you're going to on one column, you're going to have, I like, like, these are things I like then in the middle I love right. And on the third column, it's what I want to improve. And all of these are about you. So what do you like about yourself? Column one? What do you like about yourself? That's what you're going to write down.
Tina Marie (11:24):
Column two. What do you love about yourself? Notice I didn't start with love because some people go that's a whole lot right there, Tina. So I like, you can start with that. What do you like about yourself? You might graduate some of those things over to the, I love this about myself column. And then the third column is I don't really like to work on this. I really like the work on this part of me right now. When you do this exercise, the first pass, you may have a longer list on the, what you want to improve, because don't, we think about that all the time. I want you to have a longer list on the eyeliner and a pretty reasonable list on the eye loves. It's going to take some time. It's gonna take some effort. You can do it. I believe in you.
Tina Marie (12:14):
I believe in you. And then on the, I want to improve pick three. And I'd love you to have an action plan about that. Not just berate yourself, not just say this is where I'm insufficient or not effective, or we are not good enough because yes, that could be a two page list for some people. What I want you to do is pick three and get a game plan to improve them. This is about improvement. It's not what I hate about myself. It's what you want to improve about yourself. We all have a list, every single one of us. So that's one exercise. I like, I love, I want to improve. The next is how do you respect yourself? So a whole different exercise. How do you respect yourself? What do you respect yourself for? This is big. Could also be, what are you trust yourself for whenever we have self-trust and self-respect, we can feel self love. When we do not have self-trust or self respect. It is really hard to feel self-love it will more than likely be manufactured or an imagined source. It's not real right.
Tina Marie (13:28):
There are those questions that we can ask ourselves. Like we can plan our future. We can get to the place where, well, in three years, this is going to happen in five years. It's going to happen in 10 years, it's going to happen. And I am a coach. So I understand the need for those things. However, oftentimes that does not leave you in a place where you feel like you want to be alone with yourself. It's almost like you're your own business manager, trying to get a plan together. So you perform and make the progress you're supposed to within a certain timeframe. And that could leave you with a taste of, I don't know that I want to have these alone moments with myself. Now, if you're kind in it and you're courageous in it, and you're loving through that, then go for it. However, if you're going to use that exercise to beat yourself up, but you're not good enough. And you haven't gotten there yet. I want you to leave that one at home. You don't need to take that one with him.
Tina Marie (14:22):
There was a trip that I took a road trip that I took across Texas, which is its own continent. And I remember I wanted to go to this retreat and I did. I went to a retreat. It was a spiritual retreat up in the Hills mountains, whatever you want to call it of Texas. And I got there. My entire intent was to have more silence with myself then community. And there were probably maybe a hundred there at the retreat. And I purposely asked for the furthest away room on the property. And I asked for places where I can go for walks by myself. And I did. I did. I went for lots of walks by myself, sat under many trees. There were some hammocks that were there just to be alone with me and my thoughts. And honestly, God, because when we're alone instill in not impacted by all the distractions of this life, there's magic in it. There's absolute magic. I don't want this for you. I've experienced it so many times now. I wouldn't for you to the last exercise. I want to leave you at this. One's fun. Takes courage. They all do. Everything. Takes courage. Anything of meaning, pick skirt. This last one is called the body scan. We're going to do a body scan exercise. Now this isn't being that microscopic judgmental version of yourself. That goes, oh my God, my hands are aging.
Tina Marie (16:06):
Oh my God. Look at those wrinkles. This is not what it's about. It is to get familiar with who you are.
Tina Marie (16:15):
You're in this thing called a body. I call it my temple. It's my temple. It's like my Roadster. It's like my little sports car. It's who I am. It's what I'm in. And so I want to take care of this. You know, it's my vehicle. And sometimes we don't, right? Like I started off. It's like those, those things that we wish we could have, well, you're in a body. Let's fall in love with it, whatever shape your body's in. It really doesn't matter how it got there. It's here. It's your body. You have consciousness about it. So in the body scan exercise, you get to meet yourself. Hey, those are my toes. And that's my foot, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, and my ankles and my calves and my knees and examine and become familiar with who you are. I've even had to become familiar with parts that you can't readily. See that requires mirrors and it's okay. Do it by yourself. It's fun.
Tina Marie (17:27):
The reason why is where the only person that's with us, this entire lifetime we're at. And oftentimes whenever we put our expectancy and our wants and our desires and our hopes and our dreams outside of ourselves, we give other people our power. They don't want it. Other people ultimately do not want our power. So we want to take that back. And the best way to take that back is to get to know who we are. What do you truly love? What do you want? Appreciate yourself. Find gratitude and you yourself. Get to know yourself and have fun with the journey. So here we are, wherever you are, you've got time ahead of you.
Tina Marie (18:16):
Plan a trip away, a time in the park, but something of substance where that entire intent is, you go offline off all of your social media, off all of your devices. And you say, I'm spending time with me to get to know me. I'm spending time with me to be alone with me because I rock get to know who you truly are and only then would anybody else be able to get to know who you truly are? So today we had a little spark of wisdom about being alone on purpose, the art of being alone, understanding who you are and why you are. I give you permission to have that alone time till next time. I'm Tina Marie, Tina Mercedes. Here, you can find us@bonfirecoaching.com or@tinamarie.com. I wish you an amazing rest of your day. Thanks for listening.
Links:
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