#7: How to receive negative feedback when you are feeling manipulated
Description:
Listen as Tina Marie provides real examples and strategies on how to receive, manage, and utilize negative feedback when you feel triggered, unappreciated, and undervalued.
Bio:
Tina Marie St. Cyr is a dynamic force when it comes to personal development, leadership, and communications. She is a board-certified executive coach and a licensed corporate trainer specializing in human communications and human relations. With over 12,000 hours of application, study and design of programs, her methods for helping people create immediate and lasting results are extraordinary.
Her specialty is in bringing new, transformative perspectives to a situation, allowing the human ability to solve problems flow easily. Her fascination with ‘why we humans do what we do’ and her unique ability to create an air of curiosity and wonder in her audiences has made her a revered public speaker and expert guest on human transformation.
Tina Marie’s unique blend of certifications and degrees allows her to work with people from all backgrounds and cultures. Business owners will realize steady and scalable growth, positive team synergies and ever-increasing leadership skills. Entrepreneurs will have a highly experienced advocate and coach by their side advancing them to their true revenue results.
After ten years of private practice, St. Cyr founded Bonfire Coaching in 2017 and began training other coaches in her methods. As of January 2020, she has a team of ten coaches serving the many Bonfire clients in personal life coaching, career coaching, and executive/leadership coaching.
Links:
The Bonfire Coaching Website: https://www.bonfirecoaching.com/
Bonfire Coaching Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BonfireCoaching
Bonfire Coaching LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/bonfire-coaching
Bonfire Coaching Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bonfire_coaching/
LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/BonfireCoaching
Transcription:
(00:02):
Hello, and welcome to Ignite Your Leadership. I'm your host, Tina Marie Saints here. And today what we are going to be unpacking are tips to allow us as leaders to receive negative feedback. And also we're gonna touch on what do we do when we feel we may be being manipulated or undervalued, treated like an object ends to a means from people that want something from us and want to get that and move through us in that regard. So we're gonna be unpacking that. And then also how to hold our own value and have healthy boundaries. So this is gonna be a bit of a, you know, the deep dive into personal awareness, and how do we communicate clearly, stay open-minded, receive, and then articulate our place back to the people we're being that we're in communication with. So let's put on our seat belts, make sure that we have a way to take some notes.
(01:07):
Of course, if you, wherever you've gotten access to this podcast, there will be a transcript as well. And if you'd love, you can go over to our main site@bonfirecoaching.com, click on the link in the top menu of podcast, and you'll be able to see all the episodes there, along with the transcripts and ways to communicate and comment and share your thoughts. So, thanks again for being a listener and a follower of the Ignite Your Leadership podcast. And here we go. So, recently I saw a wonderful video of Elon Musk in an interview with a TV anchor, and he was from, I think it was Fox News. And the, the interviewer is trying to, you know, literally like corner Elon Musk in answering questions about policies about Twitter, also now known as X, right? And so, Elon's graceful and wanting to answer these questions, yet, the, the comment that was coming to Elon in that interview was, you know, acts, you know, previously known as Twitter, is allowing all these negative comments and this bashing, and the, the underlying topic was about, in that case, vaccinations.
(02:32):
And so, and actually this was the BBC, not just Fox. And so Elon says, he asks for specifics, he says, I'm listening, you know, basically, okay, tell me where you're, you know, what are you basing this on? Where's the data? Tell me a specific of how this has come across. And the reporter ducked and dived and could not give a specific, and I loved the video, it lasted probably about nine minutes, but Elon handled himself very professionally. He was, you know, literally getting a, a ton of negative feedback from this reporter and from this BBC reporter. And there wasn't anything that he could use to prove himself in this opinion or in this, you know, attack. And then he also talked himself into a circle, because basically he was saying, well, you know, I haven't used your platform in maybe four weeks. And then another minute later he goes, you know, I rarely use your platform.
(03:33):
I'm not really familiar with it. And then at the tail end, he goes, you know, I don't have any specifics about your platform in this particular belief or opinion. So why I wanted to share that as an antidote at the very beginning of what we're gonna be unpacking today is that oftentimes whenever there's negative feedback coming to us, or there's an opinion that feels contrary to our belief of ourselves or of our performance, of our thoughts, that what we we need to do is to first relax and take a breath. Because the words that are coming to us are also filtered through the opinions, the beliefs, the limiting beliefs, the safety mechanisms that are driving the other person. And those are unconscious to us. We can see evidence of it and some of their word choices. If, if someone says the term you always, or you never, those are key indicators that the amount of information that you're gonna get after that is more of an accusation, an assumption, something of a generality, nothing specific.
(04:51):
And it's up to us, the person receiving the commentary to remain calm, to look at feedback as data, to do our best, to get to more data that is beneficial and measurable and useful as opposed to getting triggered or reactive about things that seem like an overarching opinion or something that is, as I put it, it's, there's, there's no substance to it, right? So whenever we're getting feedback, some key points we wanna keep in mind, I've already mentioned we want to one, just, just show up, right? Check in with yourself. If, if someone's wanting to give you feedback or, you know, sometimes it's unsolicited feedback and it's just coming from the person. You check in with yourself and see if you're in an energy state to receive it. And if you're honestly not in an energy state to receive the
(05:57):
Feedback, meaning sometimes, you know, maybe we just got cut off in traffic or, or maybe we just got a bad phone call or, or maybe we're just not feeling well today. We need to check in with ourselves to see if, if it's the proper timing for this feedback and, and not to tell the other person, you're not important. It's like, you know, I really would love to hear your feedback. However, right now just doesn't seem to be a good time. Can we schedule the time? So check in with yourself, which energy state, sometimes we don't have the, the gracefulness or the, or the time to stop the feedback from coming so we can take some breaths and then know in our own mind, we're not gonna take it personally because feedback is of the other person's opinion, not necessarily of your own. Okay?
(06:42):
So we wanna remain calm, be open-minded, be a receiver of the feedback, not wanting to necessarily identify with it yet to hear it out, right? Let's hear it out. Let's get some data, ask some more poignant questions to get some clarity. And like this interview that I saw with Elon, he was asking, I'm, I'm listening to you. Can you please give me a specific, give me something specific <laugh> that you've seen that has allowed you to form this opinion. So get specifics and then listen carefully, meaning we're literally listening and we've gotta turn off that part of us. That's maybe the other commentary in the back of our mind going, this is BS <laugh>. Where are they coming up with this stuff that isn't true? Or We need to pump the brakes on anything that wants to rebut the data coming at us. We wanna literally pump the brakes.
(07:40):
And if you can take notes, this may sound strange, but take notes because you're gonna hear certain words that maybe you have an underlying question that it stimulates. Like if you, if you, you always, let's say you always come unprepared to the meetings, and so you wanna hear the person be available to the person and their in their thought streaming to give the feedback. We wanna do our best to not interrupt, write it down and write down the words that you heard, the exact words that you heard, you always come unprepared in meetings, right? And take those notes so that whenever the other person feels complete, and I'm gonna guide you in how you know that they're complete and providing their feedback, then you can ask the question that first you say thank you, and can I repeat to you what I heard so that they feel heard, right?
(08:33):
That's the first part of getting feedback is that the other person honestly feels heard. It's kind of strange because you wanna feel heard 'cause they're the ones forming the opinion about you. And maybe some of it doesn't agree, okay? And that's why we started off with this, is about receiving negative feedback. The positive feedback. We'll do another show on that because it's actually hard to do too. Some people are really bad at just ducking and diving positive feedback. But this particular episode today, we're talking about negative feedback. So we need to stay calm and open-minded, and then we need to listen. We do need to pay attention to the other person. Listen to what they're saying, listen to the words, take notes. Because you're gonna want to come back to certain things to get more clarity and understanding and specifics. You're gonna wanna know their intention for providing this feedback.
(09:17):
'Cause Oftentimes people simply give feedback without even telling you why they're giving it <laugh>, and they just blast you, <laugh>. And so we do get to ask certain questions when there's an opening to do so. And so take those notes through the receiving of this type of feedback. We wanna breathe. I know because I, for me, and I'm gonna share an experience of where I received negative feedback here recently. I'm gonna have you participate with me on this. Whenever it came, I was, you know, first it was out of the blue because this person had provided feedback that was very delightful and seemed gracious and grateful and thoughtful and very you know, just flowery, right? And then this was the 180 of that. So I was like, wow, this is coming out of left field. So we wanna breed, not take things personally. Stay open, receptive and open-minded, because I can guarantee this is what I, I learned from my experience, which I'm about to share you with you, is that negative feedback has feedback in it. It has something that you're going to learn from. And that's the beauty of negative feedback. So I'm gonna give you the steps on how do you pull out Pearl <laugh> and all of that, right? As there will be a pearl and it's on purpose.
(10:48):
Okay? So then once you have the negative feedback and you've taken notes and you've, you've repeated back to the person, what you've heard them say, you would ask permission. You wanna honestly ask permission, taking a breath, right? Remember to take a breath <laugh> and say, would it be okay if I asked some clarifying questions? Now, in the interview with Elon, he didn't, I mean, he's being interviewed, he's live on t and so he knew how much time was gonna be allotted in that interview, and so did the report. So Ellan just asked the clarifying questions. He's like, okay, help me understand here. You said this, gimme an example. I'll dive into the example. I'd like to have examples. And so we do wanna ask clarifying questions, especially if you're unsure about any of the feedback. Don't just take it for you know, face value.
(11:38):
Don't just take it literally. It's like taking a punch, not punching back, right? We want to participate in the conversation and summon our courage. 'cause I don't know about you, but I was raised, I was the, the eldest of the siblings. And I, I love my mom and dad. They did a great job. Every now and then, a an argument would, you know, ensue or, you know, come to the dinner table or someplace. And, and I took the role of the making everybody happy and everybody calmed down <laugh>. And let's listen. And, you know, like everybody love each other. And so I was that person yet before I would step into that role, I would feel it in my nervous system. Like, oh, like red alerts going off, and oh my god, people are unhappy with each other. Oh, somebody has an opinion contrary to our normal family belief system.
(12:33):
Oh, somebody's upsetting the boat. Oh, you know, and so whenever conflict arose and my immediate family, or if we were visiting family and, you know, like, you know, get too much alcohol, and in a southern person, at least our family, you're gonna hear contrary beliefs that some people would take offense to, and then they start talking loudly. And so I was that person that would feel that that chaos in the room, that uncertainty, that the equilibrium is off. And I had a habit of wanting to make everything okay, you know? And you know, I've done some of my own personal work definitely in therapy to understand how that inhibits my ability to listen and show up and be present and, you know, really allow a healing to happen in a conversation as opposed to just trying to have everybody get along and smile and, you know, like hyperbole, sweep it all under the rug.
(13:29):
So what we wanna do, whenever negative feedback is, I mean, not take things personally, lean into it and, and literally get curious. So one of my antidotes, I guess to negative feedback or if I'm, even if it wasn't, if it's just painful, lean into it and allow yourself to hear the allow yourself to hear the other person not trying to fix it, not trying to calm it, not trying to not even necessarily fully understand it. We're still getting data. So ask the clarifying questions so you can understand more of their positioning, point of view, intention and treat it as a learning. Much like if you were opening a textbook and you're learning about this, removing yourself as a player in it so that you can stay objective and you're focusing on the, just the situation at hand, the data. Once you have that down and you believe that you've got enough data and you've heard them, and then you would be able to frame a rebuttal, you know, this is a strong word, but something of a conversational point to allow this person to hear your side.
(14:53):
Now they have to be receptive to hear your side. We can't just say, well, here's my side of the story, and you know, like, well, that isn't what I heard, or that isn't what I thought, or that isn't what I meant. And that isn't how it went down. If we go into that, we're causing conflict. And oftentimes people that are giving negative feedback have come to the conversation already, reactive. I mean, check in with yourself whenever you're in a conversation with somebody and they're doing something that feels like it's putting you on the defensive and they are on the offensive, and maybe you're feeling like that you're on your heels, don't you believe that they've already rehearsed this in their mind, maybe a good 100 times, and they've already built up their side of the case and they believe they're in front of a judge and they're going to just let you have it, right?
(15:43):
So they've had a lot more time and the the thought stream of what they want to say, and you are just now receiving it. So for us to jump in and want to be heard, the other person's not usually in a hearable space. One, it's hard for us to hear them. And if it's hard for us to hear people, that means that they're hard, they're, they're not gonna listen. And we just, across the board, that's where things are. So we can give ourselves space. We can say thank you for your feedback, and we can say, you know, I'd like to digest this. I'd like to come back and let's have another meeting about this, and give yourself some time. Give yourself some time to digest. And unless the house is burning down <laugh>, you don't need to react in that moment. Now, the other person's really going to want you to, have you ever been there where you're receiving that negative feedback?
(16:40):
It's come outta left field, you weren't really prepared for it. You're giving yourself some breath and some space and thinking, I can do this, I can listen, but then you're, you know, keeping down that reactivity inside of you that's going, wow, I wanna say, my God, they're, they're insane. You know? And you want to have that response, but the wise part of you knows, even if I say something, this person isn't gonna be hearing me. That's the wise part of you, right? And then there's a part of us that also goes, I, I one, don't wanna fight, but not that I don't wanna fight because I just simply don't wanna fight, but I don't wanna fight now because it's gonna go nowhere fast. And we're gonna dig a hole even deeper. So I ask that in these moments, you give yourself permission to hit the pause button.
(17:29):
And the pause button is, you know, I hear you, and I've already clarified that. I believe I heard you, you've believed, I've heard you, you've given me some clarifying thoughts. I really wanna sit with this. I'm not going, you know, let's get back to this. I'm gonna give you a timeframe. Now I get back to you and let's let just leave some space here so I can have my thoughts about myself whenever I come back to this conversation. Thank you you so much for this feedback. It's very helpful. And even if there's a part of you going, this is not helpful at all, this is bs we want to be gracious. And especially as a leader, I'm not asking you to fake it or be an authentic, the truth is we're going to do our own personal work, and we're gonna find the grace and the good in the feedback.
(18:07):
And it takes time. It takes time in negative feedback. There will be a brilliance about it. Yet it takes space and time to get in the energy state to receive that, to get in the IV of allowing something other than ourselves and our own current experience to also speak to us through this, because our mechanisms of our own higher learning that come through chaos and conflict. So ask that person for some space and say, you know, I'd like to meet again tomorrow morning. Let's just give it a day and let's come back to this conversation tomorrow morning. I really appreciate this. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I I really applaud your courage for doing this, and it's helpful. Give yourself some space. And so the next thing after that is to reconvene and express gratitude. Again, I, I am thankful for this and I've been thinking about it.
(18:59):
I have a couple more questions, so if you have more clarified any questions, definitely ask them. And if you've come to the place of grace and you found the good in it, then you share that. You know, what I found here is this is very instrumental and constructive, and haven't you not shared your opinion. I wouldn't have not seen it this way, and I really appreciate that. So negative feedback needs not be something that we defend ourselves against, come ready to fight prove ourselves through or try to look good on the other side, right? That's us objectifying ourselves and trying to look good in the midst of being objectified by the other person. And all in all those types of scenarios don't go well. Okay? So let me give you an example, real life example. I'm gonna have you participate in this with me, and I'm gonna take you through how the negative feedback helped our organization, helped me, and hopefully at some level, I don't know at this point, can help the other person that provided it.
(20:03):
So recently I worked with a gentleman and he signed up for our coaching career coaching. Now at the very beginning, this is another thing I'd like us to put on our wisdom hats. There are times in our lives, and I'm not gonna say that you do it a lot or that I do it a lot, but if we tell the truth, we probably do. Where we don't listen to our intuition that tells us something, we ride over the top of it, we go for it anyway, and then life bite us in the booty. <Laugh> ever been there? Oh, just me. Yeah. Ever been there? Yeah. Okay. So this particular gentleman came in and he wanted help reinventing himself. Now here with bonfire coaching, we do that many times over. And you know, we do, we get to this place in our, the seasons of our lives where we've been something and done something and achieve things and, and things went well, and then it becomes harder, and you go, wow, I think life is asking me to change.
(21:07):
And so we reach out for mentorship or coaching or help to face the change that's imminent in a more efficient way and get a sounding board on our side that's been there, done that so that we can do things without making mistakes, right? I do this, that's why I hire coaches. I've got three coaches now, and they're all different, you know, in different realms of my life, right? Different areas of my life. I have a coach for my finances and my financial prosperity and growth. I have a, a coach for life and business. And I have another coach for, if you guys follow me on any of the social, you know, that I'm learning standup comedy. And so I am, I have a standup comic coach, that's what she, she specifically works with me on. And I'm grateful because recently I did get to perform at the Broadway Comedy Club.
(21:58):
Woo-Hoo. And also in another venue in Cold Spring, New York. And it was just phenomenal. And I do highly recommend, if you've ever got on your punch list or bucket list, whatever you wanna call it, the the want to do something adventurous, hire a coach and get there faster. So whenever we avail ourselves to the unknown to change to saying, I, I not only wanna change, but there comes times in our lives where we must change. It's like we've ignored it long enough. Change is imminent. If I do not change and do something constructively different life is going to be unbearably hard. And so this particular gentleman came in and I, I knew of complete confidence in our mechanisms and methodologies and strategies. Absolutely thousands of professionals reinvent themselves and find careers and lives that they absolutely love. And they, they learn new ways of being and communications why you listen to this podcast and they learn, you know, new ways to find joy and fulfillment and wonder and adventure and aliveness in their life.
(23:06):
And I have to say, nine times out of 10 people come to us in a painful state. And so that's what we call here at Bonfire Below the line. So they're in a below the line state, meaning they're seeking certainty. They want to know the risk averse because there's already pain in their life. And so they don't want to risk anything because that means the potential and the, the, the mindset is that will equal more pain. And then in their uncertainty, they've tried everything that they haven't gotten the results they needed or wanted, and the, the mechanism strategies, approaches
(23:44):
That they've already taken, and they're going, I don't know now. So a a big thing that's underlying the thought stream is, I don't know, you know, I need help. And, and it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help, doesn't it? I mean, that's vulnerable. That's I mean, if we think about it, you know, the, the human dynamic is I want to know. And so if I don't know, then that puts me in a weak state. And if I admit that I don't know, then what's gonna happen there? And we create all this fear and all these thought streams that scare us, right? So another thing below the line is significance. Significance is meaning I wanna be right. Significance is I wanna be important. In a negative sense of significance is where the ego pops in and it wants to control things and figure stuff out and make wrong.
(24:35):
And in the positive side of significance, we wanna contribute. We wanna be, have a purpose, and we want to, you know, live that path, right? But below the line, there's not much energy. It's really constrictive. The limiting beliefs that are there is, is I don't have enough, or I'm not enough, or, you know, it's comparing ourselves to other people, it's really scaring us. So below the line, we scare ourselves a lot. And then we put on this mask and we try to look good, and we try to keep it all together. Because if the world's falling apart, what are we gonna do? Are we gonna just let it fall apart? No. 'cause we're fighters who are gonna make it look good, right? Well, that exertion of energy and attention and force creates even more stress, worry, anxiety, depression in our bodies and our minds.
(25:25):
And so the grateful thing was that I, this, this gentleman had reached out and I, I could see it. I've worked with so many humans, I could see it. And I knew that, you know, if he were to adopt the, you know, getting outta the boxes and going, moving above the line and living from above the line, and that's where all of our decisions need to come from, is above the line. Because if we make decisions below the line, we're just gonna create more stuckness. If we're just try to find certainty and try to get by and make things work, and ah, it's just exhausting. It's, it's, it's it's absolutely exhausting. And we burn out and then we don't have enough energy to come to the table to make great decisions. And so through our coaching, I was using our process to help him, you know, get the resume done, which we did, and new headshot and updating his LinkedIn, which was taking some time because the clarity was needed there.
(26:21):
We need to show up, you know, and I have three coaches, like I said. Now, can you imagine me making the progress that I've made this year in my business and my life and, you know, performing on off Broadway? Had I not shown up to my coaching sessions? No. Had I, had I not done the work in between coaching sessions, it's not just showing up to the coaching session. I mean, if that happened, oh my god, I would've bombed on stage. But I practiced hundreds of times, you know, a five minute set, and I showed up and I tweaked and I rehearsed, and I did what my coach had asked me to do because I trusted her. And with my life coach and my business coach, I do what they say. 'cause I trust them because they can see parts of me I can't see, and I execute, reap the rewards, and then we move on from there.
(27:07):
It's a step by step process. So this particular person, in his choices of life, he, he didn't have time to show up, and more than that, he didn't have time to execute. That's the main thing is that when you work with a coach, a coach can't do the work for you. Wouldn't that be fun? But you have to do the work. You have to make time to do the work, and not only make the time to do the work, but focus time and present time and full attention and full energy, and be there for yourself, making the changes that you need to make and want to make in your life. What I was seeing is that this person was coming to his own life with a low energy. And despite the strategies and, and suggestions and mental shifts and transformations that could, that we're on offer, you know, we can want the best for anybody in our life.
(27:54):
The people have to make the changes. We can't make changes for us. And sometimes that's extremely painful to watch. I'm a mom and I've watched my children and, and it is painful to watch people struggle yet stay there. Now, as a coach, the the catch 22 is that, you know, even if people come up against their own struggle and then go, ah, it's not working for me, for me, we don't give up on them. Coaches don't give up. It's like, great, let's do the approach. Let's shift, let's shift a perspective. Let's get a different energy state. Let's get a different mentality. Let's use different words. Let's look at the belief system. Let's, let's go in and, and get on the field and play at a different level. That's what coaches do. They help you stay in the game. And the strategies when executed work, that's how football games get executed.
(28:40):
And that's how you make a touchdown, right? So this person after asking us to do the work for him and help find the jobs for him and submit his resume for him, which is not what we do, that's not who we are, what we do. And explain that because I would not wanna be the person submitting for someone, because then you've got to do the interview. And if you've made time for the interview, you would've made time to read the job description and research the company and understand the hiring manager and things of that nature, which are part of our process. There's a lot of, you know, you've gotta put in at least 30 minutes to an hour of work to really get the result and to interview well, right? So it was just not working. And that gut feel that I had of the red flag that I had, the intuitive thing was I wasn't certain that this person would've put in the hours, even though I asked.
(29:38):
You gotta put in the time, you've gotta do the time, you've gotta do it. And with you know, job search and the competitive market right now, you know, you're looking at on an easy week, three to four hours of time toward that on a, an active week where you're starting to get the, the flywheel going in it with interviewing and feedback and follow ups and preparations and things of that nature, and networking and showing up and, and being an advocate for yourself, you're looking more like three, I mean, four to eight hours a week. And so in all reality, which we help our clients see, it takes an investment to get the change, much like it would if you're wanting to work out and get the change in your body a relationship and deepening your relationship. It takes time, it takes investment, it takes dedication, persistence, and consistency.
(30:26):
It simply does. And so in that this person was wanting us to do the work for him, I, you know, push back on that. And so that comes to the part where we need to have boundaries. Who are we? What are we, what are our values? What are our centers? What do we agree to? And have a contract. And whenever you have contracts with people, when you have agreements with people, you just simply come back to that gracefully without any blame. It's like, this is what we do, this is what we agree to, this is how we agree to work, this is what it's gonna look like. And this is what you've said yes to. Now, as leaders, you've got a contract with your employees and your teams. It's called a job description. It's called roles, responsibilities. And you've taken them, they've taken them, and there's an agreement there.
(31:04):
And if we ever feel like we're an object to the means to the end of another person, one, to get something out of us that we have not said we were going to provide, or that they want to go around us, or something of that nature, you know, whenever we've been treated like an object, a means to an end of something, you feel it. There's a, a, a vibration of that. There's an emotional center. We, we we're, we're good at this. We can tell, right? That means there's a courageous conversation, a resetting of the boundaries that will be needed in that conversation, that relationship, which I did a couple times, and, and this particular person appreciated that. I said, this is how we work together. This is what I need you to do. This is what you said. You're going to show up as this is our agreement.
(31:45):
Let's just simply execute on that. And he also gave me, like I said, tons of flowery language that I'm really great at what I do. And the, the, the systems work and the approach is great. Yet I knew that his life had was becoming harder, and he was becoming strapped not only for time, but for finances and to, to have a living. And, and many of us can get in this piece. And it's hard, it's hard to get to a place where the, the, the, the certainty in our life is at risk. And man is that hard. And it's extremely scary. And I have absolute empathy, and I've been there. You've been there, right? And so it's not that I ever want to give up on someone. I will, you know, stay in probably too long to say, listen, this is what the change is. This is what where the offer for growth is. The, the the
(32:38):
Dig down deep to become the different person to, to go get that. You know, an Olympian does not have their coach run the race an Olympian, press the coach to say, I am gonna s watch you. I'm gonna perfect you. I'm gonna drive you, I'm gonna have you show up. You are going to be the person that earns the gold because you're the one that did the work. And an Olympian can stand on that podium and know they did a work. Now, do they have appreciation for the mechanisms and the strategies, the approaches and the discipline and the early hours of the late hours and all of that that went into it? They do because they won. But we do not win unless we run the race. We do not win unless we execute. We do not win unless we show up and do it.
(33:24):
And the hardest part in our life is actually doing it. That's why they say all the growth is in the journey itself. So whenever someone gives you negative feedback, and then you feel as though, because some things can be triggered there, right? A lack of appreciation, a lack of recognition of what you've done and how you've been. We need to pause all that because it's not about us. It's honestly not about us. If we want recognition, and if we want appreciation, the best thing we can do is look ourselves in the mirror and give to ourselves because the relationship we have with ourselves is the most beneficial for our own growth. And if we depend on other people for that, that input, we can, you know, lessen the significance of how we show up. So in this particular person's feedback to me was, I could feel his pain, I could feel his anguish, I could feel his desperation, I could feel his anger, and he wanted a result, he wanted money back.
(34:33):
And I can understand that. Yet in our coaching we show up a hundred percent. And, and the very first day before you ever give any money, you sign terms and agreements, which says we're gonna show up. And it's a hundred percent non-refundable. And so, you know, this is how we work. I encourage anyone that's a service provider to stand by your value in such a way. So what I did is I said, listen, I'm your coach. I'm not gonna let you go. If I let you go, then you know, why'd you sign up to have a, you know, professional coaching to get you across the finish line? I'm not letting you go. I'm going the long haul. Let's do this. Let's regroup. Let's fine, you know, three or four hours in your, in your weekday, let's do this. And no, I'm not working on a Sunday <laugh>, you know, it's just, that's my boundaries.
(35:21):
We need to have our healthy boundaries. And let's go for, let's regroup. Let's, let's get back on track. Let's, you know, go back to the 1 0 1 of what we need to do, what you need to do, how this is gonna go down, and let's go for the results you truly want. Okay? 'cause And I told him, 'cause I don't want you to stay in pain. You don't deserve this. Don't stay in pain. Don't stop. I mean, stop settling and let's start going for what you truly came here for. You came for major results. It's gonna take major show up. You gotta show up in a major way. And so the negative feedback, I had to use my own tips, right? Stay calm, open-minded, not take it personally. Listen carefully, provided the, the feedback that I am listening. I'm hearing you. Also, I, I called this person, he did not answer 'cause I wanted to talk to him.
(36:15):
Some of the, the worst communications are through text messaging. I ab courageous conversations through text messaging. That is not courageous conversations. Courageous conversations are, are let's meet, let's have a face to face. Let's work through this. Let's hear words, not read words on a text or an email. And, you know, whenever you want to reach out to that person and they, they don't answer the phone. You do your best. You leave the voicemail, you give the invitation. And you know, that's just where things are. And so how do you learn from this with negative feedback? There will be a pearl in it, I guarantee it. So what I learned for myself is that I ignored my tion. What I will do, and I, and I executed on this this week, this week, I, I learned it, I put it into play, right? Is that if I sense a level of desperateness in a person for change in their life, I want them to go do their own personal work and look themselves in the mirror.
(37:27):
I'll give them the strategies to, to shore themselves up and say, I am no longer desperate. I'm going for this. I'm going to make this happen. They need to tell this to themselves, right? Because otherwise they can set up a codependent relationship with someone else to say them. And then you become a rescuer. And anytime we're in the drama triangle of someone believing they're a victim, someone believing that they can be rescued maybe there's a persecutor pointing out something. The drama triangle. We have some episodes on that here in the podcast is a dangerous place. What I did early on was I played the role of, oh, this is gonna save him. And I did that quietly. So I had to pump my own breaks and go, ah, you went to sleep there, tea. And we know that the drama con isn't something that will end well <laugh> ever.
(38:24):
So we need to have an honest communication with the person in front of us if we feel as though they have any sense of desperateness. 'cause Signing up and to any of the coaches that are listening and leaders, you are coaches to your staff. If ever you get in a situation where you feel as though you're the one that can save the person in front of you that needs help, you're already a deficit and you're setting yourself up for failure, both of you, for failure. So I learned that. Then the other thing is that I went back to my terms and agreements and I said I could be more clear. I could be even more clear and let people know how we work, what we expect for them, what they need to do, and put it in writing. And so those things that are we saying verbally in our process, I now put that in writing.
(39:09):
And how much time they're going to need to invest for themselves by themselves, <laugh> in the, you know, focused, present mind of the themselves for themselves to give the results. And so I wrote an entire one page from this experience of extreme clarity so that the client that work with us are very prepared, very set up for success, and understand how our partnership can, can thrive. So I, I was very grateful for this feedback, just extremely grateful for this feedback. 'cause It allows me to help people even more. The other thing is that I checked myself, could I have easily given money back? Yes. Yet, how would've I felt on the other side of it? Now, leaders, if you are, let's say, let's, let's draw an an analogy here. Let's say you're a leader and you've got somebody that comes to your door or to your desk and says, I need a raise.
(40:08):
I need a raise, or I'm bolting. <Laugh> it reminds me of a dear friend who Bob Morris who said, if people give you an ultimatum, they need to walk, let them go. Because there'll never be enough Ultima. There, there'll be just the next ultimatum. There'll be never enough that will coach their desire for more because they've set themselves up at a deficit of life is not enough. And they've seen you as an object to fill their bank of what is enough. And the truth is, they're dealing with a colander of life's beautiful force. And so it's just draining right through. And so he said, if people come to you with an ultimatum, bless them and let them go. And so if you have anybody in your team that says, I, I need a raise in order to stay, that's manipulation. And it's painful.
(41:07):
But what's that? It's evidence that they've already been objectifying you as a means to an end of their happiness. And the truth is, they're the root of their own happiness. Every single one of us is the owner of our own joy and happiness. No one else ever is. It's our perspective, it's our perspective of life. And if so, if we're, we have a team member that wants to just grill you and blame you and, and say how you're not good enough and they're not thriving because of you, that's an ill placed conversation that unless that person is willing to grow and own their side of their communications, you can't lead them enough to get them out of that. We'll do another episode on that one, <laugh>. So in this particular case, I could have, it could have easily given money back, but then how would I have felt on the other side?
(42:02):
The truth is, I said, bring it, bring whatever it is that you wanted to shout, because one, I'm not gonna give up on you. And then the second thing is that I'm not gonna be manipulated because if I allow myself to be manipulated, then on the other side of that, I carry the weight of the guilt of not standing by my value. And where's the pain there? That's the deep spiritual pain. So giving or receiving the negative feedback, receiving negative feedback, there's a lot to it. And it's a spiritual experience as a leader because it, it, it, it, it triggers those deep down emotions of not good enough and not lovable and not appreciate and not seen. And we want to be, we want to be that. We must not take things personally, breathe through it, understand that this person is communicating their own hurt, that they're feeling inside themselves, and not that we need to rescue them from their hurt.
(43:01):
We simply honor it, witness it, and participate on our side of the fence, staying calm, open-minded, listen, provide solution. Say, let's work through this. Let's get to something that's a partnership. And if they're not wanting a partnership and they're not able to, to find an above the line of being, which above the line here at Bonfire Coaching means that we are in a loving connection state. We're literally wanting to feel connected to the other person. We're receptive. We are in a growth state. We're, we're staying humble and saying, Hey, I'm willing to grow here. Let's, let's listen to each other and let's grow through this and let's both become better and let's reach greater outcomes that we couldn't do alone, right? So if there's a partnership possibility there, it's gonna become, it's, it's evident through love, connection, growth. And then the last highest human need is contribution.
(43:57):
And through coaching. And if the coaches are listening here, the leaders are listening. That's what our hearts are all about. We want to help things become better and contribute to a higher order of becoming higher order of being, higher order of human experience. And then we look back in and go, yay, we came through the fire together. Negative feedback is a, is a, is a, is a step forward when we're able to cultivate it, harvest it, grow together, utilize it, and move and take action into partnership. Negative feedback, feedback. Whenever we see it in this way, it's growth, it's beauty. There's pearls on it. And so my want for you and listening to this episode, thank you for staying with me on it, is that we, we find courage in negative feedback. It's not like we welcome it 'cause woo, that takes a lot of courage, but when it does come, when it comes, we don't shy away from it.
(44:54):
We don't try to fix it. We don't try to make it look good. We don't try to prove ourselves, we don't try to initially be understood. We receive, we listen, we reflect, we pause, we take in, we find the pearls, we find the wisdom, we find the growth, we find the next level contribution. We come back, we communicate that, and then we see where the next level partnership can blossom from that not letting go of what the good is in the feedback. Awesome. Thank you so much. I bless you as a leader. I give you a high five. I give you a hip bump. I say, you know, we're all in this together. We're all learning, we're all humble. And, and you know, none of us have it perfect. But feedback is, is great. And if you ever find yourself in the place of negative feedback and feel like you're being manipulated, hopefully these tips that I've shared here in this episode on Ignite your leadership are helpful for you. Please do leave any comments and listen to us subscribe and share this episode with other people. I, I, I wish you the best and I'm in your corner, Tina Marie, Saint Sierra, and this is Ignite Your Leadership and I'm signing off until next time.